Yesterday’s Kills Pt. 2

Tue – 3/11

I don’t even want to go into how funny this picture is. Gratz on your first kill Gebka!

While Urbana is having a good ‘ol time debating building-exits and pre-planning foot routes, those Champaign kids are getting quietly murdered. On the other hand, with some people you can tell they won’t last.

Does this look like the face of a vicious assassin? Someone told me she had +3 kills the first day. I think they may have been exaggerating. On the other hand Rex was honestly terrified of Nancy – he told me so himself. She’d be a good ally if you were looking for some help or revenge.

My very own kill! I was going to try and take a class with her, so I just looked up that class in the course catalog. I was going to be all sly and hide behind a newspaper while scoping out the bike racks and the entrances to the armory, but she just walked right up to me as we passed each other. For a second she thought about fleeing, but gave up. A good thing too because I don’t chase anyone for nothing.

And this is how I wound up with Jade as my target. After class I was gonna try and catch Jade after work so I walked up and down Illinois before I decided it was a better idea to go see if she was actually home – I knocked and she let me in!

Anyway after pumping her and Rex for all the info I could get I left. She told me to my face she had put out a hit on me, and I made the mistake of telling her when I work. She told me that her and Rex were planning a hit – I show up to work and the hit is apparently on Rob Shepard and now me too!

We both made it out alive, I think, her lazy ass apparently can’t even pull off a clean hit.

But now I’m fucking pissed off! Jade! You and Rex have got to be stopped! I don’t know how you managed to round up all the intel from everyone, probably by promising to help them, but now I know about as much as you and Rex combined!

Everyone’s pissed at you Rex you dirty cheat! You and Jade have been instigating all of the good kills up until now, who are you going to backstab next? You can’t get away with it any more, and when your time comes it’s going to be sweet.

We are all determined not to let 708 win this game!

THE HOLY GRAIL

What follows is the definitive list of players compiled from exhaustive research.

(I have crossed out the players that have dropped or been killed so far.)

In alphabetical order:

1. Kevin Altier
2. Kevin Walsh
3. Paulina Boonman
4. Christian Brandalise
5. Cassidy Britton
6. Agatha Budys
7. Jade Carbera
8. Cal Clark
9. Sarah Clemmons
10. Caitlin Cremer
11. Andy Creighton
12. Justin Cudmore
13. Kevin Donovan
14. Caleb Ganzer
15. Brittany Gebka
16. Connie Ger
17. Monica Gerhardt
18. Alex Hidalgo
19. Ben Horns
20. Bryan Judy
21. Christine Kennedy
22. Max Kim
23. Laura Knight
24. Jerome Kovacik
25. Jesse Lee
26. Josh Lopez
27. Charlie Lucas
28. Liz Manser
29. Syl Martinez
30. Lauren Messina
31. Anona Miles
32. Louis Morton
33. Jason Norris
34. Shera Nuss
35. Kristin O’Brien
36. Sarah Odutola
37. Nancy Parman
38. Tami Pashtan
39. Greg Pino
40. Gina Provenzano
41. Billy Ridgeway Dropped -Ed.
42. Ria Roberts
43. Alen Romero
44. Rob Shepard
45. Jackie Smith
46. Paige Smith
47. Otto Stuparitz
48. Raffaele Stuparitz
49. Brendan Sullivan
50. Maria Surawska
51. Marty Sweeney
52. Kevin Toomey
53. Adam Vogel
54. Olivia Walder
55. Rex Wright
56. Michael Yohanan

So this almighty list is not infallible and you can expect daily updates from here on in.

Feel free to gloat / sulk / brag / bait /tease in the comments – But please no outright lying.

You will get called out on your bullshit, banhammered, & subsequently dragged into the street by a vengeful mob administering a silly string sundae in your mouth.

EDIT: We’re down to just twenty players, meaning that Assassins is down to about the last third. Next week will be interesting as we start dwindling, so you all better get busy. I promised that when we were down to the last third I’d publish Jade’s full in-order list to even the playing field. Right now anyone that talks to Jade has all the necessary information plus her help, so this should make it easier for people to make their own alliances.

Yesterday’s Kills

Mon – 3/10

Yeah – this makes sense. EDIT: Confirmed kill by Laura Knight.

Laura & Cal trapped her in her driveway after doubling back in their automobile.

Remember kids – CARS BEAT BIKES EVERYTIME!

Confirmed – Anonymous source says it was Nancy P. She never had a chance!

EDIT: Confirmed kill by Christine Kennedy! Easy as pie for her near-roommate.

EDIT: Confirmed kill by Ben Horns! Ben chased Andy down outside of Krshna Dinner all the way from the Red Herring up past the music building I hear. Then Ben has the audacity to demand Andy’s silly string!

Rex is pissed, you better watch out Ben! 708 is on a warpath.

EDIT: Max is out. I don’t know this kid, but apparently he knows Agatha. I don’t know who took him out or under what circumstances. I guess that deserves a kudos to Max’s assassin – clean, quiet, & swift is the best way to work.

EDIT: Another confirmed kill by an unknown assassin! Quite a bloodbath this first day.

EDIT: This one was Jason Norris’ kill! Roommates are just too easy, it’s almost unfair. Almost.

EDIT: SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST

This is exactly the kind of work that will win someone the game.

Sarah O rats out to Rex, tipping him off that Rob & Gina are at Starbucks Monday night. Either Jade or someone at 708 call Rob to scare him a little bit – something like “We’re gonna get you Rob, we’re outside waiting!” The real trick is that Rob can’t resist trying to figure out his assassin – especially this early in the game. So now Rob, being the paranoid little mouse that he is, takes the bait and sends Gina out to try and see what she can see. But because 708 rolls deep, Yoho has his target outside! He swoops in for our first epic kill!

EDIT: It seems Rex plotted the whole thing with Sarah’s innocent comment intended for Marty! They’re such liars.

Assassins! Today’s the Day!

Any of you that kill today, I want to know about it! If you take pictures of your kill that’s even better!

Thanks and have fun!

EDIT:

Jade’s ordered a hit on me and she’s absolutely awful at administrating her game, so with the help of the Urbana rumor mill & the Assassins facebook group, I have compiled the definitive list of players. This should spice things up considerably.

Back-Catalog 2

Another round of house parties from two months ago. If you’re complaining that it’s all the same people all the time, take some pictures of your friends and tell me about them. I am desperate for content all the time.

“Dudes line up on the left for high-fives, ladies line up on the right for make-outs.” Fine, I’ll defend these two. What’s wrong with getting totally obliterated at a party and making out with some random girl for like a half-hour? It’s not like we all haven’t done it, it’s just that it looks fucking weird when it’s not you doing it. No but really this guy has some of the wackiest clothes on. It’s not just the godawful patterns or the cheap fabric or even the retarded accessories – he had a Brokeback Mountain jacket on and I just cannot let that fly.

This was right before all the yelling. My motto on New Year’s was ‘2008! ANOTHER YEAR OF TRANSITIONING BETWEEN SHOUTING AT PARTIES.’ This holds especially true here. Jeremy was at this point drunk enough to get in on the fun. Then Cal shouted EVERYONE! EXCUSE ME! and everyone stopped yapping for a second so they could see what the fuck he was shouting about. Then he goes THE COPS ARE HERE. THE COPS ARE HERE! EVERYONE WHO IS NOT CIRCUMCISED HAS TO LEAVE at which point everyone went back about their business. We all got kicked out by 3.

Back-Catalog

Since I haven’t posted in a while I figure I might as well make up for the lack of content from Unofficial the only way I know how – talking smack about people at parties from two months ago.

This is a pretty accurate representation of Gebka from Unofficial weekend. Saturday she was sitting in literally the same position on the same couch at 708 Illinois. She said she was all tired from teaching all week and I don’t blame her, but this is inexcusably lame. Speaking of which, endless juicycampus threads about Brittany Gebka are full of fail. Someone just Macro a picture of her so we can turn her into a meme and be done with it. My photoshop sucks so I call ‘not it.’

Ben H amuses me endlessly. He got wine spilled on his setup, so he was DJing from an iPod like an hour or so later. On unofficial we went over to 708 at about 3 or 4 and he was sitting there playing Shadows of the Empire like it was his motherfucking job. Rex made him stop playing so they could all play Smash, which was really more about Rex’s desire to play Brickman. But yeah the next day I caught him having a little video chat with Jade, which is less dirty than it sounds.

This picture isn’t especially gossip worthy, other than the fact that Jade’s been making play-dates for these two for apparently a few months now. Above REDACTED’s head are some of my lovely penis drawings. The other one is like a Clyde from Pac Man and some sort of weird bat. I love parties where they let you draw shit on the walls.

FOUR FUCKING SQUARE

These are mostly stolen from Nancy, though there are a few from the Unit 1 website.

We were all so amped when it started getting nice out, and I spent way to much time not studying and playing foursquare. It got kinda nuts sometimes, there was only one ball and it was always in use. I would come back to Allen after class and people would already be playing. We played straight foursquare with a strict focus on speed, fuck special bounces or gimmicks. Plus with just one ball, it had to go fast when the line was seven deep.

This is a cute pic. No idea who took it, but you get a better sense for how nice was that afternoon.

Nancy’s and Unit 1’s pictures are from the same day, Marty brought his portable record player down for foursquare with tunes. These are my awesome records. Maiden vinyl is one of my most treasured possessions.

Oh man. Solecki had this giant thing for the Ghostbusters theme. Beth and Caryn are just goofing off but Kevin’s really really into it. Maybe someone will help me remember the other song that Marty played that he would freak out about.

Allen Hall Memories

You’ll all have to bear with me, as a senior I think I’m allowed to wax nostalgic.

I found these on the Allen Hall website. You girls all look so young! Then again, I think this was the beginning of Sophomore year, but still it’s like I don’t even know who these people are. I always avoid Orientation like the plague, and this is one of the least dorky pictures in fact.

Shout outs to the younger crowd! Not you, Isaac, I have a story to tell about those chalk drawings later.

Always with the fucking bongos. And the hookah. Fucking hippies.

Chris Juby was my favorite RA or Allen Hall affiliate from my class. He has the raw clean style. And a personality to match. He and Marj had a tradition for drinking tea and watching 60 Minutes in his room.

Standing Around In Kitchens, or Urbana Parties FTW

All the Chicago kids were out of town this weekend at some Ohio fruitbooting event, leaving the rest of us no recourse but to force small parties on the tenants of our favorite houses – 808 Iowa and 708 Illinois.

Friday we just decided that since Brickman’s roommates were gone we would all congregate @ 808 with our own booze.

At Urbana parties, let no one tell you any different about what you should be doing in order to look cool. The kitchen is the best place to hang out. You should ideally clean off a place for yourself on the counter in order to drink and talk with all the standing assholes at eye level. Bring your own liquor so you don’t have to move, or just drink the host’s booze. Then you can relax and chat all night without looking like a chump.

An arcade machine follows the same rule, especially because a big cabinet with videogames in it gives you plenty of places to set your drink. If you are pro, you will be able to beat ass at Street Fighter with your Tall Boy right there so you can take big swigs during the round start timer.

Don’t forget to enjoy the kittens in the bathroom.

Saturday we were at 708 Illinois. Rex made hamburgers, so I had been there since 7.

This was the only worthwhile picture from that night. Hopefully Sarah O will put up the pics she took and I can split this into two posts. Until then enjoy this ridiculous polaroid.

Thanks to Caitlin Cremer, and Maria Surawska who took pics for me!

And Now For Something Completely Different…

Two Photos of Matt Hennessey Naked and Pooping: